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The Golden Years - Yeah! Right!

A speech by Jay Nodine
October 1, 2007

Winner, Toastmasters District 37 (North Carolina) Humorous Contest, 2007. This is one of the funniest humorous speeches heard in my 50 years of Toastmasters.

This speech is presented to you as an example of using repetition - paragraph openings and closings, threads, words and phrases - which act as "tickle points" when repeated. From his words, you can picture his facial and body gestures that triggered laughter to bubble up. Jay was a short, slight man with a huge, impish smile, which helped us connect with him.

 
With age comes wisdom.
With wisdom comes the Golden Years.
With the Golden Years
Comes Hardees 99-cent biscuits -
And - Senior - Discount - Coffee.

Mr. Contest Master, fellow Toastmasters and Guests -
I'm not knocking Senior Citizen discounts, mind you
For when you reach the Golden Years
Every penny counts!
Plus - I live for the Senior Citizen - Early Bird Special
Of HA-BA-NERO pepper-crusted trout
At McCabe's Restaurant - every Friday afternoon.

However - each time I find a place
That offers a Senior Citizen Discount
I find a bunch of people in their Golden Years
Telling the person next to them - Oh -
  "I'm on a fixed income!"
"I'm on a fixed income."

Well - I want you to know
That is not true in my case -
I am on a declining income!!!! -
And the only thing golden about the Golden Years
Is the gold I transfer from my bank account
To the medical profession.

Now - It seems like only yesterday -
But it MUST have been a Friday
Because I picked up my Senior Citizen - Early Bird Special
Of Habanero pepper-crusted trout
At McCabe's on my way home.

Before that -
I was sitting in my doctor's office
Complaining about -
·  Shortness of breath
·  Loss of stamina
·  And numbness in my arms.
He was saying
"All the tests looked normal
But I'm thinking it could be the heart.
We need to run a few tests.
In the meantime -
I am prescribing these pills that are expensive
And may have some side effects."
Side effects!!!
I wasn't worried about my sides - It was
·  the shortness of breath
·  Loss of stamina
·  And numbness in my arms -
That I worried about.

Now - It seems like only yesterday -
But it MUST have been a Friday
Since I barely made the Senior Citizen - Early Bird Special
Of Habanero pepper-crusted trout - at McCabe's.

There I was
At the Heart Center
Taking stress tests -
CAT Scans - EKGs - MRIs.
After the tests, the doctor said - Everything looks normal
And that I had a strong, healthy heart.
However - I am sending you to a specialist in Charlotte
In the meantime - take the pills I am prescribing.
They are very expensive -
And may have some very serious side effects!
Now - It seems like only yesterday
But there I was - on a Friday
At the Presbyterian Hospital
On the examination table
Worried about missing
My Senior Citizen - Early Bird Special
Of Habanero pepper-crusted trout.

I was heavily sedated
When I heard this far away voice -
Mr. Nodine - Mr. Nodine - can you hear me?
Yes!
Again - the voice -
Sir - we are going to take this sharp probe
Put it into your groin
Push it up to your heart
So we can run a test.
I said - OK!

As it turned out -
Diagnosis - the same!!!
The heart appears strong and healthy
The doctor was telling me again.
I'm going to prescribe these pills that are very expensive.
(I know, I know - they may have side effects.)
No - but they will enhance the symptoms you have now.

Now, it seems like only yesterday,
But it must have been -
No, I'm sure it was - yesterday.
I got a call from the Heart Center
at North-east Medical Center.
They told me to come by their office
They wanted to discuss my case further.

As I was pulling into the North-east Medical Parking deck,
There was a sign that read - SPEED LIMIT - 5 mph.
You can't drive 5 mph.!!!
When you start your car -
What are you doing - 7????

Well - you guessed it.
I was stopped for speeding
Pulled over by the Security Police.
He wasn't in a car -
He was just walking along beside me.

A big burly fellow with those mirrored sunglasses.
Leaning over and looking into my car -
Buddy - do you have any idea
How fast you were going? he asked.
I don't know - maybe 6.

Without changing expression - he said
We have you on radar - you were going 9 !!!!
Nine!!!! -
No way, I said,
My front-end shimmies at 8!

As I was lamenting over the $90 ticket
The doctor was saying
Mr. Nodine your heart seems to be in good shape -
But you are taking far too many pills.
He also said -
We have had over a hundred people this month
With the same symptoms as you -
We have traced it to McCabe's Restaurant.
We have discovered - that habanero pepper and fish oil
Will cause -
·  Shortness of breath
·  Loss of stamina
·  And numbness in the arms

SO YOU ARE SAYING
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY HEART???
Mr. Nodine, I can safely say
Your heart will last - as long as you do!!!

Well then, I asked -
DO YOU THINK I WILL LIVE TO BE 80?
He asked - do you smoke or drink in excess?
Oh no, I said.
He asked - do you eat red meat?
I shook my head ... Noooooo.
He asked - do you drive fast cars - and chase loose women?
No, I said - I DON'T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
He said -
THEN - WHY DO YOU CARE?

830 words

Copyright (c) Willie Nodine. Reprinted with permission. All Rights Reserved.

Comment: Jay Nodine, DTM, was a member of the Goldmine Club in NC (District 37) for decades and served as a Board member of Toastmasters International before passing in 2011. Jay, always warm and funny, won D37's Humorous Speech Contest in four consecutive years - a record. This was one of those speeches.

Copyright © 2007 - 2020 Jay Nodine
 
Copyright © 2020 Brian Woolf